Radical Acceptance

I had something really weird and upsetting happen during a very important event recently (I'm keeping the details intentionally vague). It was a really painful experience in the moment, it took away from my enjoyment of the remainder of the event, and it was also impacting my emotional memory of the event. And I was being really hard on myself, almost to the point of blame, for what happened, like I somehow should've known how it would turn out.

My amazing therapist suggested it was a time for what she called radical acceptance. I had heard of radical acceptance before, but I didn't have any techniques or in-depth knowledge of how to approach it. 

She read some phrases from one of the books on her bookshelf, and asked me to see which, if any, resonated with me:

"This is the way it has to be"
"All the events have led up to now"
"I can't change what's already happened"
"It's no use fighting the past"
"Fighting the past only blinds me to the present"
"The present is the only moment I have control over"

There. That last one. The present is the only moment I have control over.

What came to my mind as she read that statement out loud was, I wasn't able to control the behavior of those other people, but I can feel really proud of my own behavior in that moment as I reacted to what was happening. And of my own behavior in the events that led up to that weird moment.

In each moment that led up to the weird thing happening (looking back, it was over several months in the making), I checked into what I was feeling in my body. I followed my intuition. I took the higher road. I acted with integrity. I let go of some old toxic patterns that were no longer serving me and was proud of how that allowed me to show up.

Did it have the outcome I wanted? No.
Do I wish it didn't happen? Most certainly.
Was it my fault? Nope.
Did I deserve to be beating myself up for it? No way!

So even though I didn't like what happened, I was able to start letting it go. I was able to start accepting that it was in the past, it already happened, and there was nothing I could do to change it. All I could do now was show myself some compassion for my experience and be grateful that I didn't have to regret my own behavior.

Radical acceptance isn't about condoning bad behavior, or being a doormat. It's not about pretending I don't feel a certain way about something. It's about recognizing what I can't control, and then giving myself the gift of starting to let it go. And once I started letting it go, my emotional response around the whole thing began to shift; the heaviness and shame were gone, and I felt a lot more gratitude and compassion in their place.

I didn't resonate with all of the radical acceptance statements, but all it took was one. Next time you're stuck on something, I invite you to give it a try.