Last fall, I was at a friend’s family dinner party. At the table were several of his family’s old friends, two 8-year-olds, and a priest, who was also an old friend of the family.
Midway through dinner, the (white) priest started to recount a story from his days fighting in the Civil Rights movement. He was marching with a few women of color in a rally, and someone on the sidelines started yelling hateful racial slurs at them.
The priest, in recounting this story, used the exact language that was yelled at him and the women of color, including the full N-word.
Everyone at the table got silent as they heard him say the N-word loudly and unapologetically. He was obviously very proud of his work, and he would never in a million years consider himself to be racist in any way. I looked up and saw the two children sitting across from me, wondering what was going on.
I have two questions for you:
The first: what emotions are you feeling as you read this story? Defensive? Angry? Awkward? Uncomfortable? Scared? Embarrassed?
The second: what would you do in this situation?
A. Say nothing, it’s not a big deal, he’s obviously not racist
B. Say nothing, it’s awkward and it’s not your family’s party
C. Say something to the priest after dinner, so that you don’t embarrass him
D. Say something to the kids after dinner
E. Say something right then at the table
No matter what color your skin, you have overheard people saying ugly things about people who can’t defend themselves in that moment.
About race, about gender, about sexuality, about someone they don’t like. And it’s often in the privacy of their own home, in the company of people in their own social group, where they can truly ‘relax’ and not have to worry about being ‘politically correct’.
Maybe, at times in your life, you’ve agreed with what they were saying. Maybe you disagreed, but didn’t feel compelled to say anything. Or maybe you wanted to say something, but felt social pressure to stay quiet.
I’d love to hear from you- you can comment here, or you can email me. What would you do? And what are you feeling in that moment? Have you been in similar situations in your life? What did you do, and how did you feel, in those situations? Do you wish you had done something differently?
I’ll share how it made me feel, and what I did, in my next post.
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